Why Survivors Can't Just Get Over It

"Why can’t you just get over it?" All survivors hear this at one point in their life. This kind of language is toxic and hurtful. It demands that the survivor behaves normally for the comfort of others.

Telling a survivor to get over their past minimizes the survivor’s trauma-based responses that they have little to no physical control over. It also does nothing to heal the survivor’s brain, which has been drastically changed as a result of trauma wounding. And it’s important to remember that a survivor cannot forget their past until they’ve healed their brain and mind, making it impossible for them to just get over it.

Most People Have Experienced Trauma

Trauma survivors often develop post-traumatic stress disorder (Ptsd) or complex post-traumatic stress disorder(Cptsd) from experiencing longer periods of trauma. Both Ptsd and Cptsd develop as a response to trauma as a result of abuse, war, auto accidents, assault, injuries, long-term illness, robbery, surgeries, or witnessing death or violence. Either disorder can show up years after the traumatic event due to the suppression of memories as a coping mechanism.

In doing research for this article, I’ve found that most people have experienced trauma: according to the National Center for Mental Health Promotion and Youth Violence a startling ‘60% of adults report experiencing abuse or other difficult family circumstances during childhood.’

Many people have trauma and don’t know it, suffering from its effects for the entirety of their lives. They might chalk up their behaviors to being difficult or short-tempered, or even worse, believe they are a bad person, when the root of these behaviors is trauma.

How Trauma Wounding Develops and Its Effects on the Brain

Most people don’t understand how trauma effects survivors. Traumatic experiences overwhelm the brain, causing it to convert the experience into an unprocessed memory. Once stored, this memory exists in the brain with all of its raw emotions, impacting brain functioning and the outward behaviors of a trauma survivor. According to Doctor Arielle Schwartz

"Memories of physical or sexual abuse are held within portions of the brain highly sensitized to stress hormones. This can lead to strong emotions and body sensations without a well-developed ability to explain [the] experience with words. This process can evoke feelings of shame and self-doubt…”

Traumatic memories can also be stored as body memories. Body memories are a physical, non-verbal remembering of abuse sparked by a trigger.

Triggers can be anything from an intrusive thought, someone’s voice, the scent of a place, to multiple experiences that come together to remind the survivor’s mind and body of trauma.

And often, triggering occurs without the survivor consciously knowing what’s going on. Even if the survivor is aware that they’re triggered and experiencing a flashback, their brain and body continue to respond as if faced with a life or death situation by going into fight or flight mode.

That’s because there’s a structure in the brain called the amygdala(ah-mig-da-la) which turns off the frontal lobes. The frontal lobes are important because they’re responsible for planning and reasoning.

When the frontal lobes are offline, the survivor experiences difficulty speaking or understanding what’s going on outside of themselves. The amygdala also signals the production of adrenaline, a hormone that readies the body for fighting, escaping, freezing in place, or fawning (appeasing the abuser as a way to make the abuse stop).

During a flashback, survivors have trouble managing their emotions because their brain and body is in survival mode, but this doesn’t mean they are crazy, mentally impaired, incapable, or seeking attention; they are injured and their brain and body are being hijacked. They’re reliving the trauma and all the terror that goes with it.

What a Flashback Feels Like

*Gwen sees a man at the store who looks like her abuser. At the sight of him, Gwen feels tightening in her chest and anxiety wash over her. Her breathing speeds up and she’s aware of being nervous. Gwen can’t focus as clearly; she has to repeatedly check her shopping list. She feels a little dizzy.

As she round the baking aisle, she sees the man who looks like her abuser. Gwen stares at him. It is him. The man who the family trusted, the man who molested her for almost her entire young life. Her body stiffens as she turns her shopping cart in the opposite direction. The man doesn’t recognize Gwen because she wears a mask and it’s been years since they encountered each other.

Gwen is very dizzy and she is flooded with an intense, overwhelming urge to run away. She can barely concentrate. She makes her way to the paper towel section and has to lean on her cart to stay upright. She feels like vomiting. She can’t see what’s in front of her, and she’s panting into her mask.

Gwen doesn’t know that she is crying, she can only understand feeling terrified, overwhelmed and complete helplessness. Her body is shaking, and she is on the verge of hyperventilating. Gwen can’t feel her body and is unaware of what is going on around her. There is no way she can get over it or stop what’s going on.

How You Can Help A Survivor Who Is Having A Flashback

Assess your own mental state.

Can you support the survivor, or do you feel angry at them? If you feel angry, it’s best that you let them know -calmly and respectfully- that you can’t help them, but you will find someone who can help.

Get help. You might be triggered.

Introduce yourself. Tell the survivor your name and relationship to them. If you’re family, remind them that you love them, and you want to help. Ask them how you can support them and listen. Be patient. It might take time for a survivor to be able to respond because they are not in their body.

Validate their experience. Tell the survivor they’re having a flashback and even though it feels real, they are safe, and you are here to protect them.

Help remind them where they are. Describe the room and remind that you are here, and you are with them, keeping them safe. Gently ask them to name things that they can touch, see, feel, taste, and hear. This helps the survivor to use their senses and reground in the here and now. It might take a while for the survivor to be able to do this.

Encourage deep breathing. If you do slow deep breathing, the survivor might do the same unconsciously. If not, ask them if they can take a deep breath with you. Remember, the survivor is far away from the outside world right now, and they might be in a shame cycle. They need your patience.

Be sure to ask before you touch them. For sexual assault or rape victims especially, touch during a flashback can be terrifying and triggering. The survivor might become more entrenched in a flashback or react violently to defend themselves against perceived assault. Ask and respect boundaries.

Go slowly and quietly. Don’t yell, make loud noises, or move suddenly. Drop your shoulders, soften your voice, and breathe deeply to stay calm. Survivors are often deeply empathetic and hyper-vigilant; anger and irritation can appear threatening.

Watch for Signs of Anger. A survivor might react to a flashback with anger. Speak calmly and validate the survivor’s anger using I statements: I understand that you are very angry right now. How can I support you?

Service Animals

If the animal is the survivor’s trained service animal, let the service animal do its job. It's trained to bring the survivor back from a flashback. Removing it might make the situation worse. Trust it knows what to do.

If the Survivor Has Self-Harmed

If the survivor has self-harmed and has lost consciousness, can’t speak well, or is losing a lot of blood, call 911 and follow directions.

Understand that self-harm is a coping mechanism and an expression of torment from overwhelming feelings. Self-harm is not an attention seeking behaviour, it’s a cry for help.

Aftercare

When the flashback is over and the survivor has returned to their body, the survivor might be emotional, exhausted, or ashamed. They need calm reassurance and compassion, rest, comfort, and safety. They don’t need criticism, shaming, guilting, or questions like why can’t you just get over it?

It’s important to see survivors as strong, capable, resilient people who need support while healing. If you find yourself struggling to cope with the survivor’s experiences, there are support groups and therapists who will work with both of you. You don’t need to go it alone, and neither does the survivor.

Contact a Crisis Line if You or the Survivor Needs Support*

In the United States:

• National Alliance on Mental Illness(NAMI): Email Call: 1-800-950-6264 Monday through Friday, 10 a.m.–8 p.m., ET or info@nami.org

• MentalHealth.gov: (877) 726‑4727. This hotline is available between 8 a.m. and 8 p.m. EST to provide mental health information and treatment referrals.

• National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH): 1-866-615-6464 (toll-free), 1-301-443-8431 (TTY), or 1-866-415-8051 (TTY toll-free). Available between 8:30 a.m. and 5 p.m. EST, professionals can answer any mental health-related question in English or Spanish and attend to requests for copies of NIMH brochures.

• Boys Town: (800) 448-3000. Specially trained Boys Town counselors are available 24/7, 365 days a year to provide crisis support specifically for children and their families.

• Veterans Crisis Line: (800) 273-TALK (8255) and press “1”. This toll-free hotline is available for veterans and their loved ones. You can also send a text message to 838255 to receive confidential, free support and referrals.

• Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741. This service is available 24/7 and provides free crisis support and information via text.

• National Hopeline Network: (800) 442-HOPE (4673). Available 365 days a year, volunteers who staff this toll-free hotline are specially trained in crisis intervention to provide support, information, and referrals to people in need. You can also access services via chat by pressing the “Chat Now” button on its website.

• PTSD Foundation of America, Veteran Line: (877) 717-PTSD (7873). Providing referrals, information, and helpful resources to veterans and their families, this toll-free hotline is available 24/7.

• Lifeline for Vets: (888) 777-4443. Also geared toward veterans and their families, this toll-free PTSD helpline provides crisis intervention, referrals, and information.

In Japan 日本語危機対応

• TELL: LifeLine 03-5774-0992 (Tokyo) (Available every day; please check for exact hours for phone)

• ライフライン 03-5774-0992 (毎日利用可能。正確な時間は電話で確認してください)

References

National Center for Mental Health Promotion and Youth Violence Prevention, Childhood Trauma and Its Effect on Healthy Development July 2012 http://sshs.promoteprevent.org/sites/default/files/trauma_brief_in_final.pdf

Dr. Arielle Schwartz, The Neurobiology of Traumatic Memory October 12, 2018 www.drarielleschwartz.com/neurobiology-traumatic-memory-dr-arielle-schwartz/#.YK6KUqFlBPY

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