The Importance of Self-Love

By Maxine Dolma

May 20, 2021 CPTSDFoundation.Org

Self-Love Does Matter and It's Not What You Think

Self-love can feel dangerous, selfish, or vain if you’ve grown up in an abusive environment. The adults in your life might’ve spent an excessive amount of time negatively focused on you, using it as an excuse to take their anger out on you. They might’ve punished you for asserting your boundaries, teaching you that self-love is dangerous. Perhaps you’ve learned that self-love is vain because you were put down when you shared your accomplishments. If you had a narcissistic parent or caregiver, your needs might’ve only been met because those needs served the narcissist’s desire for attention. It’s not surprising that you learned self-love is selfish.

From all that you lived through, it’s understandable that you motivate yourself with criticism and fear. As a child and teen, these experiences wired your brain to be in survival mode and your abuser’s words became your inner critic. That inner critic existed to protect you from abuse. You learned how to stay safe, but when you grew up, you didn’t know how to love, value, or take care of yourself.

Not knowing how to love yourself can cause you to accept abusive behavior from people you love. Without self-love, it might be hard for you to set boundaries on your time and resources. You might have health problems because you don’t see the value in taking care of your body, or you don’t go to therapy because you feel you are too bad or worthless to be helped.

Why Self-Love is Important

Self-love is important because it makes us stronger, decreases stress, and strengthens our immune system. It also makes us more resilient. Kingsway Hospital researchers from the United Kingdom note that it “…is more likely to help us rebound and may lead to greater success and happiness in the long run.”

Self-love and compassion help us to reconnect to our humanity, an experience most survivors with CPTSD need. Associate Professor Kristen Neff from the University of Texas states that self-love/compassion helps us in “…perceiving [our] experiences as part of the larger human experience rather than seeing them as isolating; and holding painful thoughts and feelings in mindful awareness rather than over-identifying with them.”

Here are eight ways you can start learning how to love yourself:

Forgive yourself for the abuse you suffered. As a child, teen, or adult you were and are not responsible for the abuse you experienced. There is nothing you could’ve done to provoke the abuse in any way.

Forgive yourself for what you did to protect yourself or cope. You were coping with an impossible situation that was dangerous and stressful. As a child, you internalized the message that it was your fault, when in fact, your parents or caregivers did not feel that your safety was important. If forgiving yourself feels impossible, ask yourself how not forgiving yourself continues to protect you.

Make it a point to believe yourself, especially if your abuser gaslit you and made you doubt your reality. Your perceptions and experiences are valid.

Forgive your body for its reactions to the abuse. Even if your body reacted with pleasure, if you were a child or an adult who did not consent your autonomy was violated. Your body is programmed to react without conscious effort. Your physical reactions do NOT invalidate the abuse.

Allow yourself to feel anger and rage. These feelings are valid and a very understandable reactions to what you lived through. It is okay to admit that your parents or caregivers failed you and you are angry -or even rageful- at them. This doesn’t make you a bad person and it doesn’t negate your ability to love them.

Practice having compassion for yourself. Instead of berating yourself, try talking to yourself as if you were a dear friend. Would your dearest friend put you down for not being happy all the time? They’d probably give you a hug and ask you what you needed. You can do that for yourself and it doesn’t make you weird or selfish.

Set boundaries and say no often. You only have so much energy and time to give people; from birth to death you have a total of 600,000 hours of life. Your life is yours. Setting boundaries is how you respect yourself and give yourself the time to take care of yourself.

Celebrate your accomplishments, no matter how small. One way to develop a habit of compassionate self-talk is to notice and make note of your daily accomplishments, especially if you’ve been feeling like a failure. The goal is to notice anything self-caring that you’ve done and celebrate it. Brushed and flossed your teeth? It’s an accomplishment. You were scared but asserted your boundaries? Five stickers and write it down on as an accomplishment!

Learning how to love yourself is one of the hardest parts of your healing journey, and one of the most important things you can do for yourself, because you’re worth it. You really are. And it does get better.

If you’re in crisis:

Contact the National Alliance on Mental Health(NAMI) 800-799-SAFE (7233)

RAINN 800.656.HOPE online.rainn.org (y Española rainn.org/es).

References:

https://www.livescience.com/14151-neuroscience-esteem-criticism-compassion.html The Neuroscience of Self-Esteem, Self-Criticism, and Self-Compassion. Robin Nixon, 2010

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/feeling-it/201211/3-powerful-science-based-benefits-little-self-love Psychology Today. Emma Seppälä Ph.D. November 27, 2012.

Maxine Dolma is a freelance mental health writer with a BA in professional and technical writing. Their pronouns are they/them she/her. Max is a parent of two remarkable people, loves traveling the world, and spinning yarn on a Turkish drop spindle. You can find Max’s work on Instagram @maxine_dolma_writes and at their fledgling site at www.mdolma.wordpress.com.